Heart to heart: How to get over the practice of people pleasing

If you’re one of those people that is always putting people’s needs above your own and saying yes to things you’d rather say no too, and being overly afraid of people’s opinions, you may be a people pleaser.

While people-pleasing may help you become a likeable person who people always come to for help, it will seriously hurt you in the long run.

These habits are thought to start in childhood, in children that only get affection from loved ones when they were good and obedient and did what they were told to do. When they become adults, they think that getting affection from people requires them to always say yes to other’s needs.

These adults – and sometimes teens and adolescents – tend to put other people before their own selves, even at their own detriment. There is a difference between being nice and being a people-pleaser.

If you have a lot of work to do and a co-worker asks you for help for example. A people pleaser would immediately say yes while knowing that they’re increasing the strain on their life; a nice person would gently explain that they have a lot of work to do, and they’re sorry they can’t help out. Or something like that.

People-pleasing can take a toll on our lives physically and mentally, leaving us to tired to attend to our own lives. It is because of this that we must learn to identify the signs and get over the practice of people-pleasing.

To help out, we’ve compiled a list of surefire ways to get over the practice of people-pleasing.

1. Be self-aware:

You need to monitor your day-to-day activities and observe the people-pleasing habits in your own self.

Recognize the times when you’re breaking your own back to help other people, especially when you don’t want to. Pick out the patterns, ask yourself questions: Is there a particular person with whom you feel more strongly to bend over backwards? Are there certain situations that are worse than others?

Before you can change certain habits in yourself, you have to identify your triggers so you know where to start and how to move forward and achieve positive results.

2. Practice saying no:

Have you ever choked on something so that when you tried to cough it out, it just stayed put and didn’t move from around your throat until someone had to slap your back to get it out?

That is how people pleasers feel at the thought of saying the word “no” to those who ask them for help. Usually, it is almost unimaginable to say no to someone who has aked a people pleaser for help, because they are almost always afraid that this will make people start to dislike them, something that they try to avoid.

So, if you’re a people pleaser and you’re trying to get over it, practice saying no. Mouth the word in front of your mirror before you leave your house. Start small and then work your way up to saying no to people.

Most importantly, don’t allow yourself to feel apologetic about it. Just say no and keep it moving.

3. Be assertive yet courteous:

That you say no to someone’s request does not mean you should be rude to them. Always be firm with your decision while also being nice.

This will also help with some of the guilt that will undoubtedly come with turning someone down, as it usually comes with people who are people pleasers.

Saying, “I’m sorry but I can’t help you with that. I’ll let you know if something changes” is polite and it also puts you in a position of power. It gives you the time to return if you so please, but its best not to overthink these things.

4. Avoid giving excuses:

It’s tempting to want to give explanations when you turn someone down, especially at the disappointed look on their face.

It’s best not to do that though. Giving the person excuses why you can’t help them with something right now opens the door for them to give you suggestions on how to postpone your own work, which will leave you feeling horrible later.

A simple, “I can’t do this, I’m sorry” is sufficient for most situations.

5. Give yourself time:

You’ll need to give yourself some time as you progress in your self-development. People-pleasing takes a while to develop and it also takes a long time of self-awareness to completely banish it.

So, when you stumble at it, don’t bash yourself over your mistakes. Learn from them and use the experience to move forward in a similar situation. If you feel like you can’t even handle what you’ve agreed to, you can take the opportunity to practice backing out of the offer.

So, that’s it! If you’re in recovery, share some tips that you use to get over people-pleasing in the comments section below. We’d love to hear from you.