Four Bus Boarding Tactics In Lagos For Dummies.

Lagos.

There are legends about this place which sometimes sound absolutely ridiculous (but are true). If you are just visiting here for the first time or have lived a sheltered life all along (the stereotypical get-inside-child), then you need the survival tips below. Veterans are free to laugh along too.

Getting around Lagos without a private vehicle is as easy as moving on sea, without a boat. You just need some ounces of madness and the faith of Abraham and you are good to go, just remember the list below:

Dress Like You Are Going To The Olympics Track.

When you try getting a bus (this post is strictly about black striped yellow buses and nothing else) at a bus-stop that is not in Ikoyi or some GRA at Ikeja then you need not stay calm. This place is not for calm people. You chase down this buses and even when they are properly parked you still chase them or watch others get all the seats and you get to the door close to tears and watch the time for that interview trickle away! Even if you are dressed to kill, you should dress to kill the tracks.

Inside The Bus (part 1).

Immediately you make it to your seat, you check all your valuables (this is why I suggest you make an inventory of every valuable item you left the house with) because if you think all those people jostling and hustling at the door were trying to get inside the bus then: welcome to Lagos. Then if you have respiratory issues, please sit close to the windows ion Fridays because it is the last day of the working week and many see no importance in bathing properly (don’t look at me like that, it is Lagos). Then the bus preachers? Always carry an earpiece with a very sound volume or you are in for deafening condemnation all through most bus rides.

Inside The Bus (part 2).

Because getting in is half the job, inside the bus there is madness too and I want you to remember this tip carefully: you must have ignored the “enter with your change” caveat that the conductor had most likely announced, so when you pay with a ‘big money’ denomination keep demanding for your change. I repeat, keep demanding. Don’t let the bugger rest, keep asking him until he gives it to you, and even when you have collected it, ask him one more time for your change if for anything to piss him off. Then about highway hawkers, don’t patronize them unless it is absolutely necessary and when it is, have your money in your hand while you collect ‘change’ and the goods before paying because if you pay first and the traffic frees up suddenly, you will watch as the hawker makes special effort to jog ‘slowly’ until the bus leaves him behind.

Jump Out. I repeat, Jump. Out.

You think a bus that did not stop long enough for you to find a seat will wait long enough for you to alight? Come on, stop joking around and jump out. Your bus-stop is still some seconds ahead and you want the bus t par at the ‘spot’? No, no and No. just jump out and pray for safe landing.

Welcome. This is Lagos.