Following the courageous coming out of Timi Dakolo’s wife, Busola Dakolo, who accused COZA pastor Abiodun Fatoyinbo of sexually abusing her while she was teenager, TY Bello has now come forward to encourage victims to find their voices and speak out.
TY Bello, who had earlier shared she was sexually abused as a seven-year-old child, reiterated her call for support for victims. While encouraging them to speak out also admonishes the society to listen.
Speaking of her personal experience, the internationally-acclaimed photographer, who is also a gospel singer, says keeping silence about the abuse “slowly killed” her and finding God gave her relief. TY also says the abuse left her feeling afraid and blaming herself, something which has commonly been reported among victims.
“…for decades I could never find my voice on the matter. I was still afraid. Mostly because I felt it may have been the fault of my seven-year-old self,” she says.
With age comes the realisation that it wasn’t her doing and the importance of sharing her pain with the world, which brought sort of healing to her. Yet, opening up about her ordeal is hard, even several decades after the fact.
“It surprised me, however, how hard it was to talk about sexual abuse after so many years .. but it was such a relief,” TY writes.
“I remember how the silence I had to keep after the abuse slowly killed me. I also remember the relief I found in my relationship with God so early. That really was my rescue…yet for decades I could never find my voice on the matter .. I was still afraid ..Mostly because I felt it may have been the fault of my seven-year-old self…somehow.
“Fast forward… almost thirty years later, I knew better…and was ‘big’ enough… I understood the importance of stepping up when it was time to share my story .. and ..I did in my @kemiadetiba ‘s #kingwomen interview. It surprised me, however, how hard it was to talk about sexual abuse after so many years .. but it was such a relief… But soon after came the resistance.
The gospel also reveals opening up about the abuse also brought it all back, the “shame”, the “feeling of naked ‘dirtiness‘” even as many headlines sensationalise her ordeal. However, she refers to the “plague” as prevalent and that “we are clearly not talking enough.” Too “many children sexually abused .. too many sex crimes ..especially now .. right under our noses,” she says.
TY also points at some of the issues that prevented her from coming out such as the public might believe that her family failed her “but they didn’t and could never have known,” she declares. “I had mastered SILENCE! They were victims too.”
“Every abuse story is different but it is SHAME that makes them complicated,” TY says. “…So I’ve learnt that it’s time to nail shame right where it belongs, far away from the wronged. Bringing them instead to healing, justice and freedom, she states.
TY ends her post with a call for the society to teach the child and the adult “the power of their voices.
“…and more importantly we must learn to listen, understand and know that Sex is not a dirty word .. but DENIAL is.”
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Read her full post below:
“I remember how the silence I had to keep after the abuse slowly killed me. I also remember the relief I found in my relationship with God so early. That really was my rescue. Yet, for decades I could never find my voice on the matter. I was still afraid. Mostly because I felt it may have been the fault of my seven-year-old self, somehow.
“Fast forward, almost thirty years later, I knew better and was ‘big’ enough. I understood the importance of stepping up when it was time to share my story .. and ..I did in my @kemiadetiba’s #kingwomen interview. It surprised me, however, how hard it was to talk about sexual abuse after so many years but it was such a relief. But soon after came the resistance.
“In sharing, I faintly began tasting the shame again – that same feeling of naked ‘dirtiness’ I had as a child. It hadn’t completely gone away. It also became clear that real stories of sexual abuse still sounded like NOVELTY. I saw headline after headline, even in broken English – this my ‘confession’ that ‘ Dem ‘SPOIL’ me when I be small pikin’. It didn’t feel good that it was so ‘sensational’ as I was aware of how massive a plague this was. WE CLEARLY ARE NOT TALKING ENOUGH, too many children sexually abused, too many sex crimes, especially now, right under our noses.
“I had to push past the inner conflict that talking about it was ‘unnecessary’, it was too long ago, too ‘Oyinboish ‘to discuss publicly’. ‘Then, of course, that talking about it now would make it seem like my family failed me as a child. But they didn’t and could never have known. I had mastered SILENCE! They were victims too.
“Every abuse story is different but it is SHAME that makes them complicated. Sadly, the shame hardly lies with the perpetrators. So I’ve learnt that it’s time to nail shame right where it belongs – far away from the wronged, bringing them instead to healing, justice and freedom.
“We must teach every child the power of their voices. Apparently, we must teach adults too… And more importantly, we must learn to listen, understand and know that sex is not a dirty word .. but DENIAL is.”
